


To Be Alone

by xanavici



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Character Injury, essek is bad at feelings, the mighty nein - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:40:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25447792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xanavici/pseuds/xanavici
Summary: Unlike the human he shares a bed with, Essek can't fall asleep, which leads his thoughts down a path he can't avoid.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 12
Kudos: 172





	To Be Alone

Essek is envious of humans’ abilities to sleep. Yes, many races share the same need for a full night of rest but humans seem particularly well adapted to sleeping anywhere and falling asleep quickly. Even though he laid down hours ago his mind hasn’t been able to stop racing and trying to analyze every action he took today. What he should have done differently or how that spell would have been more effective a couple seconds later. Try as he might, the thoughts refuse to quiet down which eventually leads him to look at his bed mate again.

Essek is not envious of humans’ propensity to get hurt. Though, it’s not really fair to apply that to all humans. Beau was face to face with that nabassu for the entire fight and she walked away injured, but no worse for wear. Caleb, on the other hand, had gotten cornered by those shadow demons and the image of them gutting him with those jagged claws and how he was unconscious before he even hit the ground is still imprinted on the back of Essek’s eyelids. Even though Caleb now sleeps soundly next to him, Essek can’t shake the tightness in his chest or the ever so slight tremble in his hands. 

For one long moment, his entire world shrank down to two feelings: anguish and rage. Caduceus was able to bring Caleb back just a few seconds later and the group of fiends were finally killed shortly after thanks to a well placed Dark Star and a relentless flurry of attacks from the others. They trudged back to the inn of the small town they’re staying in and all agreed to tell the mayor that they closed the rift in the forest after a much needed night’s sleep. Caleb fell asleep almost instantly, only staying awake enough to cast his alarm around the room and wipe the blood off his body. It took Essek much longer to settle down, still not used to the sounds of other people in adjacent rooms or the jittery feeling of adrenaline in his veins that take forever to leave. Even once he settled down, his trance eluded him until he gave up all together.

Caleb’s chest rises in a slow and steady rhythm. His eyes dart under his eyelids and his brow is slightly furrowed under the wild mess of copper hair that fans across the pillow. With a slow and careful movement, Essek brushes his hair out of his face and gently combs it back. He only means to smooth out that furrow but can’t stop himself even after it’s gone. He traces a thin scar that starts behind the ear before following the jaw and disappearing into the soft beard. Next is the arrow wounds above and below the collarbone, then the trio of parallel lines that wrap around the shoulder. How many of those were also close calls? And how many more would the fellow wizard get before- before he- Essek’s eyes dart down to the field of uniform scars that cover Caleb’s forearms. Before he breaks again… or worse?

Essek is too lost in anxiety and worry that he misses Caleb’s breath becoming faster, or his eyes cracking open. Only when long fingers curl around his hand and pull it away from where it was hovering over the scars does Essek realize Caleb is awake and looking at him curiously.

”It is very late, or early depending on how you look at it. Did you already finish your trance?” Caleb asks with a sleep laden voice.

“No. I couldn’t fall asleep,” Essek whispers back. Caleb is a very smart man. Even half asleep it doesn’t take him long to figure out why.

Caleb shifts his grip to lace their fingers and holds Essek’s hand against his chest. “I am still here. We all are still here. We have had worse battles than what we faced today.”

“That doesn’t exactly comfort me.”

“We have seen worse and yet we are all still here. The Mighty Nein is notoriously hard to get rid of, we’ve been told.”

Essek can’t help the huff of laughter that escapes his lips but the amusement dies quickly. 

_ Thump thump… thump thump… thump thump... _

“Even though I now know how crushing solitude can be, sometimes I wish I could return to it, because I think it would still be less painful than seeing you hurt,” Essek confesses, voice barely a whisper.

The furrow in Caleb’s brow returns. The silence is deafening. He shouldn’t have said anything. These relationships are still so tenuous, Veth and Beau still barely trust him, and Caleb deserves someone better than someone who still has their eye on the door.

“I do not think we ever told you this, but shortly after we all met for the first time, a month or two at most, Fjord, Jester, and Yasha were kidnapped by some slave traders. Beau and Molly were ready to go after them immediately. Even Veth was willing to go, not because they were useful for what we were trying to achieve at the time, but because she loved them. I wanted to run the other way so badly. I told myself it was because they were so much more complicated than what I needed, but really it was because I was afraid of getting attached to these people. And when we lost Molly a couple days later I realized it was already too late and I was also on my way to loving them.”

Caleb shifts closer to Essek until their foreheads touch and they breathe the same air. 

“I could have run away on that day and avoided the pain of watching Molly die, watching Yasha lose her autotomy and commit atrocities that only added to her grief, including almost killing Beau. I could have walked a different path that did not lead to meeting Trent again or watching Fjord’s old patron send monsters to kill him and steal his body. I could have avoided all that pain, but I also would have missed meeting Kiri and watching fireworks in Hupperdook, seeing Beau talk reason to both the pirate king and the king of the empire, returning Veth back to her own body, and Jester tricking a powerful old hag with nothing but a stale cupcake.

“You could run away as well, I would understand and I do not think I could blame you. But you would also leave behind the good we’ve done and experienced together and everything to come. And I do believe that outweighs the pain of being alone. 

“You can’t have one without the other, can you?” Essek asks softly.

“No. Two sides of the same coin.”

Essek frowns and squeezes Caleb‘s hand. He wasn’t really looking for an answer, and he certainly wasn’t expecting the more-or-less permission to leave, but Caleb is right. He wouldn’t get anymore nights in hot tubs or warm cups of Caduceus’ tea. He wouldn’t get to join Jester in looking for the best pastry in every new town they visited. He wouldn’t get Beau’s blunt criticism to keep him on the right path. He wouldn’t get to research new spells with Caleb and Veth.

Essek untangles his hand from Caleb’s and cups his jaw while pressing a firm kiss to his forehead.

“I will not wake up to an empty bed tomorrow, will I?” Caleb asks.

“Not this time.”

“I can live with that.”

Caleb snaps his fingers and Frumpkin appears between them. The fey creature circles once, twice before settling down between their chests and begins purring. Essek focuses on the soothing rhythm and lets it finally lull him into his trance.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on twitter @xanavici  
> Find me on tumblr at dabbinglitch (D&D blog) or cryptidhanzoshimada (main blog)


End file.
